Screen-is Envy

I made the trip down to Best Buy yesterday in order to pick up my brand new non-lcd, non-plasma, non-hi-def, non-digital, completely tube 32� T.V. I didn’t need more A/V inputs, or 1080i or digital-ready tuner or any of that; the single reason for this purchase was the plain and simple fact that I couldn’t completely enjoy the experience of Enter The Matrix on my 25� tube.

First, a note about Enter The Matrix: This is a good game. I must admit that I’m such a Matrix homer at this point that the Wachowski brothers could take a dump on a Dixie plate and I’d pay $7.50 to look at it for 2 and a half hours then buy the special edition director’s cut on DVD, but it’s still a good game. Yes, there are camera issues, and yes, it does lead you by the nose at times, but the movies and cut scenes mixed with the story line really expand on the movie, and the gameplay is pretty darn interesting. It’s not just a dumb action game to go along with an action movie – it stands on its own and adds to the story weaved in the movie. Plus, you get to do cartwheels and run up walls. That’s always a good thing.

Anyway, my wife and I picked out our new baby from the rows of 32’s, took a hit on the Visa and headed out to the pickup truck so the Best Buy boy could load it up.  Truth is, we could have gone bigger, but our entertainment center is a big constraint, and 32 is the largest size that fits. At least, that’s what I would soon be telling myself.

As I’m pulling up to the front door, she makes a comment about how big it is going to be or what a tight fit it will be or something like that and we notice that the guy in front of us, along with three minions, is just finishing loading his 65� widescreen rear-projection HDTV with 2-tuner PIP into the back of his pickup. Not that I was looking, or anything, but you couldn’t help but notice it just hanging out there.

Now, I’m not an excessively proud or jealous man, but I started doing the math in my head: We don’t necessarily have to make the house payment next month and the kids seem well fed enough that they could make it on a lot less food, but I just couldn’t justify spending roughly 8 times more on twice the screen real estate. So I did what any normal guy would do: I mentally attacked his manhood.

1. He’s obviously compensating for inadequacies elsewhere. He’s trying to let 65 inches of projection make up for 2 inches of… well, I’ll just leave it at that.


2. He must not have kids to be able to afford that monstrosity, so he is obviously unable to bear children with his undersized equipment.


3. No normal woman would allow a man to purchase such a hideously large and expensive toy, so he’s obviously not married because he’s unable to fulfill a woman’s needs.

Okay, I felt a little better about myself. Since the Spurs are in the Western Conference finals, I further consoled myself with the thought of a close up of Gregg Popovich in high definition on a screen the size of Rhode Island.  That’s enough to make your skin crawl.