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Zombie movies fall into two categories: the “humans kick zombie ass” category, and the “humans fight hard to barely survive, and then die horrible deaths anyway” category. Beware All Ye Who Enter, Here There Be Spoilers…
What’s It About?
A remake of the 1978 George A. Romero classic. Zombies are everywhere, and those bitten become a zombie. A group of survivors make it to the local mall, and barricade themselves in while hordes of undead gather outside.
The Single BIGGEST THING Wrong with this Movie
Noone has a freakin’ cellphone. Come on people, the movie is set in the present. And NOONE tries to call ANYONE on their cellphone when the world breaks down into chaos? STOOPID.
The Single BIGGEST THING “Right” with this Movie
A guy named Andy. He owns the gunshop across from the mall, and he’s trapped on the roof (not trapped exactly, he can go inside the gunshop, but the roof is safer.) The survivors in the mall see him from the mall roof, too far to shout to but close enough to write messages on whiteboards to them with Magic Markers (they read the messages with binoculars.) He’s funny, and a great marksman. One of the funniest, yet sickest scenes in the film is where the mall roof sitters write the names of celebrities like “Rosie” or “Burt Reynolds,” and Andy picks the zombie who looks the most like the named celeb with his sniper rifle and blows them away. Sick, but hilarious. The only time you hear Andy speak is once over a two-way radio, and what he says breaks your heart. (That’s right, I said he owns a gun shop, but not a freakin’ cell phone – STOOPID.)
Should You Go See It?
If you like zombie movies that fall into the “humans fight hard to barely survive, and then die horrible deaths anyway” category, then sure. I prefer the ones where humans kick ass myself. The effects were good; the characters were not fleshed out at all – established characters die without you ever knowing their names. Ranking this film against other recent films in the same genre, I’d say this one falls behind 28 Days Later and WAY behind Resident Evil, where Mila kicks much zombie butt.
Is There Stuff After the Credits?
I am generally ridiculed for staying until the credits are done. My reward is sweet when there is stuff after the credits that noone else sees. There is stuff after the credits in this film, and it is important to stay and watch it. Since I’m not strongly recommending you see this film, I’ll just tell you that everyone in this film dies a horrible death. EVERYONE.
What Would I Do, If I Were In This Film?
I’ve often wondered why the living didn’t just play the waiting game and let all the zombies outside decompose. The human body will decompose in what, like 6 months or less? Wait until they all turn to mush, then go outside and pick your prime real estate.
This is the format for my first film review. It’s short, sweet, and to the point. Your comments are welcome.
But could it possibly be better than The House Of The Dead?
The single biggest thing wrong with this film is zombies that run. Zombies are supposed to shuffle along slowly, so it’s easy to get away from them. These zombies haul ass!!! Not good. Also I know there were monkeys involved somehow, I just know it. I hate monkeys.
Running zombies ARE annoying. I personally liked the semi-sentient zombies from Return of the Living Dead. BRAINS! I would have liked to have seen zombies wandering around calling people on their cellphones, and when the other party answered they could scream “BRAINS!” into the phone.
I’ve tried to block the memory of seeing The House of the Dead in the theater, birq. Had I known it was so bad going in, I would have brought my Dreamcast light gun with me and shot the human characters in the film just to end the movie sooner.